The new way … to exercise

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Exercise 101

Living in a time of fanatic exercising, I always get confused between the different types of exercises to tone your body. What is aerobics? What is spinning? What do you call that exercise where you fly upside-down in an aeroplane until the blood starts rushing to your head and you can hear your heart pounding in your near-to-burst eardrums? Oh. Right.  Aerobatics. Then aerobics must be the one where you put on tights and jump up and down until you hear your heart beating in your ears.

I get confused because the human mind has the ability to erase every moment of any terrible agony that run through your body in one of these sessions. The throbbing vascular migraine; the dizziness; the shortness of breath; the uncontrollable feeling of incipient nausea… Let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, it’s terrible. And I am not even talking about the exercises. I’m talking about the music.

Now please, don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against music, but it was in fact because of the music that I stopped going to aerobics classes. The songs varied from ‘I’m too sexy for my shirt’ to the wonderful rhythm of ‘You’re simply the best’. Nothing wrong with Right Said Fred or Tina Turner, but please, not to sweat and perspirate to. I mean, I really like aerobic classes: the full-length mirrors on the wall, the rhythmic beat of feet on the floor, the exercises…well, some of the exercises. I like in particular the ‘cool-down’ time. That is the exercise you do when the clock on the wall says two minutes to six, and the session ends at six. Then you lie down with your eyes closed, feeling the thrilling relaxation rushes over every muscle in your body.

You breathe in. You breathe out. You think of nothing. You go home. This exercise is so beneficial; no matter how busy I am, I always try to set aside a few hours to lie in the dark and think of nothing. Other times I do this exercise in a seated position while in a meeting.

Many people spend thousands on aerobic DVD’s, do their workouts before even starting with a main aerobic session a day. I mean, what is the use of working out on 25 abdominal lifts, 100 sit-ups and 40 knee-and-thigh stretches, if it is only a warm-up for the real aerobics exercise?

Hey, I am not saying you shouldn’t exercise. I am just saying there have to be better ways, not to mention better music to exercise. For instance, if you really want ‘to work out’, ‘feel the burn’, ‘trim body fat up to 25 per cent’, why not follow my personal exercise routine, which I call ‘The new way to exercise’.

Here is what to do:

  1. Wake up at 6 am.
  2. Stre-e-e-e-e-e-e-tch across the bedside table for the television remote control.
  3. Switch on the TV.
  4. Watch the exercise programme on SABC 3.
  5. Switch off the TV.
  6. Stre-e-e-e-e-e-e-tch out across the bed.
  7. Go back to sleep.
  8. Wake up at 8:30 am and realise with a panic that you are supposed to be at work at 7:15 am.
  9. Do one sit-up.
  10. Go to work.
  11. Get fired.
  12. Feel the burn.
  13. Trim your body fat up to 25 per cent.
  14. Take up aerobatics.

You know what they say: no pain, no gain. Which one are we talking about again?

 

Author: Naomi Maritz

Naomi is a freelance writer and available to write guest posts and articles for your website.

Contact: Naomi Maritz [naomimaritz@gmail.com]